There are many types of contentious verbal contests, such as philosophical discussions, academic and political debates, and courtroom arguments. In each type of contest there are generally accepted rules of fairness, and what counts as a dishonest trick. (See for example: List of Fallacies – Wikipedia, A List of Fallacious Arguments, Misuse of Statistics – Wikipedia, Propaganda and Debating Techniques by A. Orange, Conversational Terrorism: How Not to Talk! by Dean & Laura VanDruff, 38 Ways to Win an Argument by Scrivs) My post isn’t about these sorts of contests, but instead is about fighting fair in intimate relationships. For these sorts of arguments, if you are trying to maintain or strengthen the relationship, and not seeking to end it, here are some rules of thumb. (1)
To start with, discuss and agree to the rules of fair fighting with your partner before you ever get into a fight with them. Get to know what your and their personal fighting style is. Don’t let issues build up; discuss them when they come up. Don’t surprise your partner out of the blue, but set aside a time you both agree on. Treat the other person with respect and as an equal. Listen to them, and try to really understand him/her. Try paraphrasing what you hear them saying, and see it through his/her eyes. Don’t assume or speculate about what they are thinking. In other words, don’t pretend to be able to read their mind, or expect them to read yours. Take responsibility for your feelings and actions by using “I” statements. Be direct and honest about how you feel and what you want. Try to limit your fighting to only one issue at a time. Define its scope, state it clearly, and don’t bring in unrelated items or unrelated past mistakes. Keep it real by dealing with the problem, and not merely a symptom of the problem. Ask yourself what your real goal is before you begin, that is, what you really want. Be specific about your complaints, and use examples. Focus on solving the problem, rather than trying to simply win for its own sake. That is, you should be trying to find a mutually satisfying win-win solution by attacking the issue, and not the other person. You do this by negotiating, compromising, log rolling, and brainstorming solutions. Propose solutions and ask your partner to also do so. Discuss the pros and cons of each proposal.
Don’t name-call or blame the other person with ”you” statements. Don’t threaten violence, swear, denounce, curse, express contempt, engage in sarcasm, taunting, or character assassination. Don’t hit below the belt by attacking the other person’s sensitive areas. Try not to raise your voices. If your partner breaks a fair fighting rule, don’t escalate. Keep your intensity proportional to the size of the problem. Ask questions that will clarify the situation, and not ones that will put the other person on the defensive. Therefore, try to not ask questions that begin with, “Why?” Avoid making comparisons to other people, and don’t belittle the other person’s accomplishments. Don’t reduce your partner to a statistical generalization by stereotyping him/her as merely a member of a category. Don’t exaggerate. Don’t say you “always” or “never,” unless it is literally true (and it almost never is). Avoid saying the words “you should”, “you must”, ”you ought”, “I told you so”, “When will you ever learn”, “How many times do I have to tell you?” Give the other person equal time. Don’t interrupt or talk over the other person. Don’t use disrespectful non-verbals, such as eye rolling, harrumphing, sighing, smirking, yawning, etc. Limit your fight to no more than 30 minutes, and if necessary schedule another round for later. If things get too heated take a half hour time out. Be careful about introducing other people’s opinions about the situation. Don’t fight in front of the kids.
You need to give the other person the room to change their mind and save face, because you don’t want to end up merely trying to score points in a game of, “Now I’ve got you, you SOB.” (Transactional Analysis – Wikipedia) That is, don’t play manipulative games. (2) If you do set limits and promise consequences, be prepared to really carry them out. Don’t talk about divorce unless you mean it. Don’t demand to win coming in the door. Apologize when you are wrong, but be careful that you aren’t the only one who ever apologizes. Don’t quibble over trivial details. Try not to just walk out of an argument. However, you might need to do so if the situation is getting out of hand or isn’t productive. Tell them why, and let them know when you will be back. If it’s appropriate hold hands during your discussion. If and when you reach an agreement, write it down and set a trial period for the new behavior. At the end of this period see if you need to modify the agreement. Finally, if nothing seems to work it might be time to bring in a trained counselor.
(1) For an earlier post that discusses similar interpersonal negotiation concepts you can take a look at, The Uplift Program for Happiness - Lost Wanderer, part of which reviews the book Creating Optimism.
(2) Again, from Transactional Analysis, Eric Burns documented a number of such games, for example, Poor Me, Silent Treatment, Martyr, Don’t Touch Me, Uproar, Kick Me, If it Weren’t for You, Yes - But, See What You Made Me Do, and If You Loved Me. See also: Psychological Manipulation – Wikipedia
(37 Rules to Fighting Fair by Happy Lists, Fair Fighting Rules: A Formula for Resolving Conflict - divorcehelpforparents.com, Fair Fighting: Turning Arguments into Discussions by Mark Smith, Fair Fight Rules - Stayhappilymarried.com, Fair Fight Rules: From “Domestic Violence” by Barbara Corry, M.A. – Klamath Crisis Center, Fair Fighting Rules for Couples by Nathan Cobb, Ph.D. – Cobb Counseling Inc., Fighting Rules: From the book “Men Don’t Listen” by Wayne Misner - Dr. Irene’s Verbal Abuse (Site)!, Some Rules for Fair Fighting – Texas Woman’s University Counseling Center, How to Fight Fair – Dr. Phil, Fighting Fair to Resolve Conflict, Fair Fighting Rules – Knapp Family Counseling)
