When I took 1/6th of a percacette this morning I was distinctly thinking of Dr. M.’s comment Monday, that Crohn’s patients who rely on opiates don’t live as long as those who do not. On the other hand, what I was also thinking was “I can’t live another day like this,” chained to the toilet and to the bed, to the house.
We agreed, Dr M. and I, that having given N. Americanus its six months, until April, if I was not truly better in the spring I’d seriously consider surgery. I have been at this crossroads before, seeing the departure point of colostomy and saying, with relief, “Ah yes, there it is.” But then the certainty fades, perverse optimism takes over, and the idea is dismissed. But this morning, confronted by the forth day in a row of pain and swelling, boredom and discomfort, I am forced to admit that the past two years, infact, have been hell.
I feel like the frog in the pot.
As the water gets warmer I insist I am fine, every thing is just fine. It’s nothing more than a sauna, I can handle it. But a good attitude and a stiff upper lip won’t help you when you are boiling and the waters of ‘da Nile, are getting hot. It has become about time that I admit to myself that I can’t handle it. The only reason that I’m still standing here in this pot is because I’m stuck, and never mind the smile on my face.
Furthermore, it is one thing to insist upon not regretting the loss of year or what could not be helped; it is an other thing entirely to loose years to stubborn denial. Yes, I hope N. Americanus works, but come April I will do my best to be emotionally ready for surgery. I will endeavor to practice, along with optimism, acceptance and the relinquishing of self delusion.
I think your stubborness may be a good thing if the worms work – I sincerely hope they do. So glad you have the where with all and awareness to take control of your health care and not relinquish to the almighty doctors. Yes, they are experts, and I appreciae their place in society, I just think more of them need to be like your doctor and acknowledge patient intelligence a well.
The more specialized the doctor, the narrower the options. They cannot see any alternative other than the ones they provide. You’ve obviously done your research and weighed your options. It is equally obvious you are not delusional or in denial because of your plan for six months.
I’m all for pills and avoidance of pain. Do what you have to do to lessen the physical hurting.