I’ve learned personally why torture doesn’t work, enough pain and you’ll confess to anything.
I promise you, there is no fear more profound than the fear today, of yesterdays pain. Anything. You will confess to anything. You will do anything, you will jeopardize your self, your family, your friends. The fear will destroy your humanity. You will chew your arm off if there is the off chance that will help.
Rage. While I am actually in pain rage is the primary emotion. Maybe I need the adrenalin to get through, but I’ll take the head off of the next person who says sympathetically “Oh, I thought the worms were working.” (In actuality I’ll take the head off any one who says anything sympathetically, I swear, I’ll kill you.) But don’t tell me that my therapy is not working when I am in this kind of misery. Because it does work my intestines are refracting. Things are getting better in there so I am tapering from 40 mg. to10 mg of that bio-toxin Prednisone. Now there is no ignoring the damage done by years of this disease to my lower colon and rectum. The damage has become excruciating obvious without the mask of steroids.
In actuality I don’t really know if this post is making any sense, I am in pain. I am writing the confession the Inquisitioner wants: Yes I took the oxycodone, I took it yesterday as I felt myself sliding under the water (board) and I took it again this morning, before the pain could even walk into the room. You tell the CIA, when you next talk to them: people in pain will say & do the craziest things. I am living proof . But as I told B when that 1/6th of a pill was sliding past his ability to retrieve it, “Sure I will pay for this on Saturday, but at this rate I’ll be dead Saturday, and I’ll take my chances.”
Mea culpa. Mea culpa maxima
oh good, that one was accepted. i’ll say it again…fuck!
yes, pain will make you do things you would’t dream of under normal circumstances. You have the right to be crazy and say whatever the hell you want…you’re still here fighting like a warrior/wild-woman…whatever it takes!
Double from me, Leslie! Not only does my heart go out to NA: S….. I feel so discouraged!
Anyone that would dare to criticize anything you do in the name of your own survival, wouldn’t be able to endure half of what you endure. Keep doing what you need to. I support you.